I'm nearly 69, Se Fok is 72. After watching Mom diminish in her late 80's and then die (peacefully) at 93, I am acutely aware of the limited number of healthy days left to us.
With my biology background, I feel there's a reason for dying: we need to make room for the gene mixing that is taking place in the next generation.
Taking care of Mom in her last month of life (such good timing - she collapsed the day I arrived, and died about a month later) wasn't just a good deed on my part. It was a gift from Mom. I saw that death can be peaceful and pain-free. Mom's last month wasn't sad, mournful, or with "discomfort" (as in an MD or dentist saying, "you may experience a little discomfort"). Mom couldn't get out of bed without assistance, and in her last few days she was almost completely bedbound. But her great gift and shining example to me was this: she accepted her limitations, and my help. She didn't fight anything or become distressed. She didn't fret about "losing her dignity." When she could no longer even use the commode (set up right next to her bed soon after I arrived), fine, she stayed in diapers and let the day caregiver or me change & clean her. When she no longer could coordinate getting a spoon to her mouth, she let us feed her. If she wanted to eat what was offered, she opened her mouth. If not, she closed her mouth.
I didn't obsess over her nutrition, eyedrops, vitamins, toileting, tooth brushing, liquid intake, exercise, intellectual stimulation, etc. I called all her MDs and dentist and canceled every appointment. After one disastrous early attempt to take her to my sister Jayne's Sunday Dinner (none of us realized how far she had collapsed!), I didn't take her out again. Mom's world shrank and that was OK. If she was game for sitting in her wheelchair to be wheeled to her living room for a meal or change of scenery, fine. If she said she just wanted to rest, I let her stay in bed. If she had enough strength to transfer with assistance to the bedside commode, great. If not, one of us (caregivers came during the day 5 days/week; I took care of the rest) changed her in bed. In some ways, it was very freeing. I put on Japanese children's music and sometimes Mom waved her hands in time to the music and almost seemed to dance with her hands, in bed. She smiled and said "thank you" to caregivers, including me, almost to the end.
Her last night wasn't too bad for me thanks to my bad hearing. Mom probably had her death rattle but since I'm hearing impaired I was able to sleep in her room with her (but I gave her morphine if she seemed to be restless or struggling). I took a walk very early (5:30 a.m.), a few hours before she died. I checked on her - she was still breathing, good. Took her dog, Kiki, for a walk, and cried and said goodbye to Mom in my mind in the darkness. Jayne came by a little later in the morning, around 7:30, stayed by Mom's side and she said goodbye, too, before heading to work. Mom died with only the hired caregiver in the bedroom - a classmate came by and I felt compelled to sit w/her in the living room. But I think that was OK - the overnight labored breathing and restlessness had diminished to virtual stillness when the caregiver arrived around 8:30 a.m. I wondered if Mom had died, but the caregiver still detected a faint pulse. Shortly afterwards, even that was gone. As one very tactful friend told me, Mom may have just wanted to slip away on her own, choosing her own time to leave the earth.
So I saw that Death can be peaceful and natural. In her last year of life, Mom kept saying she was tired and ready to go. Prior to that she had mild dementia, and she said many times that she was the last of her friends, last of her siblings (there were 6 in all). Really, why would she want to hang on?
Right now I still relish life, but that is because SF & I are still relatively healthy and vigorous.
I am very thankful that we have been able to lead such rich and wonderful lives. I feel like I've fulfilled all my childhood dreams and then some. I never expected to get married, have 3 children, and see so much of the world. I never envisioned wandering in Europe with a backpack, or living in Indonesia, Egypt, and China. I'm so proud of our 3 children, and so grateful to have had over 40 wonderful years with Se Fok. I feel I made good use of my time on earth - I always felt life was so short and thus tried to see and experience as much as I could. I am thankful for so many precious memories.
Life is good...but it cannot go on forever. It would be greedy to expect that. I just hope that I'll be able to graciously make room for gene mixing in the next generation, like my mother.
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